Ze First RP Workshop

[Hoax]

Since I think I need improvement, I'll be the first to put myself on display. Be gentle xD
I'll be using a character I use to play on a Dog RPG.
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Large russet paws beat against the cracked asphalt, as the substantial canine ran at top speed. His movements were graceful and fluid, the air gliding over him as if he were a speeding bullet, hurdling towards an imaginary target. The target, the center of the park where Bane could enjoy his new found freedom without the restraint of leashes, collars and humans.

Pigeons and squirrels squawked and chattered at the large Doberman, as they fled from his path. Barks and yips of excitement expelled from his throat as the destination of his choice had finally came into view. Without slowing or taking the time to use better judgment, Bane took a sharp turn, causing his body to slide across the lush greenery. Clods of dirt, grass still intact, flew into the air around him. More yipping and barking of enjoyment echoed across the empty field like space.

Once Bane's ebony and russet marked body had come to a halt, he proceeded to rub his face and body across the lawn and patches of exposed dirt. The sight, rather humorous, ended once he had managed to cover himself completely in dust and particles of grass. Laying still and panting heavily, Bane soaked up the rays of sun that beat down from the clear blue skies. At this moment in his life, nothing could be better. Nothing could compare to the pure bliss and joy that coursed through his body.

[Nero!]

Well, here goes.

I don't think I'm much better than you, but here's my shot.

Large russet paws beat against the cracked asphalt, as the substantial canine ran at top speed. His movements were graceful and fluid, the air gliding over him as if he were a speeding bullet, hurdling towards an imaginary target. The target, the center of the park where Bane could enjoy his new found freedom without the restraint of leashes, collars and humans.

This is just my personal preference, but before I introduce the character into the scene I'm playing out, I like to describe the area they're in. Is it a forest? An abandoned city? Is it hot? Cold? Humid? Dry? What time of day is it? What does the sky look like? Etc., etc. and then some. All these different details that could affect how your character interacts with those around him/her and the world.

That usually takes up a good first paragraph, or for me it does. At the very end I usually introduce the character. So instead of starting out with just throwing the reader into character stuff without building up the scene's atmosphere, you give them a bit of an idea of where they are before introducing who's in that place and why.

More like;

*descriptive paragraph of the scene* And then he comes running in...

I personally enjoy the metaphors you used in the first paragraph. c:

Metaphors can be very, very useful. Especially when you've got something difficult to convey.

However, using too many of them can make it seem like you're just trying to show off.

As does using flowery words.

'Russet', to some, might be a new word. It's big, it's elegant, and for some, it may make your posts a bit melodramatic to read.

Normally it's not an issue if you throw in a word or two like that here and there, but consistently you use larger, more complex words.

Hurray for a good vocabulary! I enjoy knowing that others know how to properly use these words. However, it makes some scenes and characters seem overly dramatic.

More mundane words tone that down a bit.

i.e.;

Large russet paws beat against the cracked asphalt in a rhythmic motion, as the large canine ran at top speed. His movements were graceful and fluid; the air gliding over him as if he were a speeding bullet, hurdling towards its target. The target being the center of the park, where Bane could enjoy his new found freedom without the restraint of leashes, collars and humans.

As you can see, I also changed around a bit of the wording and punctuation. Too many pauses can make you sound like one of those action movie announcers. x3 My biggest suggestion with stops and punctuation and such is to read the paragraphs out loud to yourself to see how they flow.

Is it choppy and too condensed? Or are you gasping for air at the end of each sentence? Works for seeing if your words are a bit over done as well.

Do you sound like you're addressing the Prime Minister? Or like you're talking to a close friend?

Looking over your other paragraphs, there's not really much else I'd say to keep in mind. c:

I can see how at the beginning it might have been a little awkward for you to write? Like you didn't know what to say?

But after the introduction it seemed as if the gears started moving and the words started to come out in a more fluid fashion.

Very nice post!

[Hoax]

Thanks for the feedback, Nero.

Setting of the scene would greatly improve my posts, as it would give others more to reply with. And as you mentioned, effect how my character would interact with others and the scene around them. But as mentioned later on in your feedback, I do have a bit of awkwardness/unease when it comes to starting off a post. I just don't know where to start most of the time. So I just kind of throw the character at the reader and hope for the best. xD

Metaphors were a really big thing in the eyes of my English/Lit teachers. They sort of shoved them down our throats til we were puking them. It's just stuck with me and that's why they're incorporated greatly in my RP'ing. But I can see where using too many would look show-offy and melodramatic.

Same for the more complex words. I guess I try to mix it up to avoid over using certain words like "large" and "big".

I also see how the way you changed the wording and punctuation around made the flow smoother and the paragraph easier to read.

Again, thank you for the feedback. And I'll be keeping your advice in mind the next time I post. =]